GRIND Magazine Volume IV

This article was authored by Kyle Johnson – who has written 40 paintball news and gear articles.

Kyle was born into some unusual circumstances. His father, Arnold, a goat farmer, fled the Allied invasion of Germany and married a Finnish woman with whom he had 17 children. Kyle was the only one who survived childbirth. Kyle was born a twin, but he “resorbed” his twin while still in his mother’s womb. He believes that he now has the strength of a full grown man and a tiny baby. He claims to have been born weighing 13 lb 5 oz, rendering his mother incapable of walking for three months and two days. Kyle was shunned by his family between the ages of four and six for forgetting to save the excess oil from a can of tuna. He lost a grade school spelling bee by misspelling the word “failure” in front of the entire school, and subsequently lost the spelling bee to Raj Patel. Kyle is trained in the art of surveillance and is a former Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy. He is also a purple belt in Goju-Ryu karate. He enjoys Battlestar Galactica, the Harry Potter franchise, The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Lost and 24. His favorite movie is The Crow. Kyle lives on his family’s 60-acre beet farm, in a nine bedroom farmhouse with one bathroom, with his cousin Mose, where they grow table beets. On the weekends, Mose and Kyle spend their time selling beets to local stores and restaurants from their road side beet stands. As well as run a decently successful “themed” agritourism bed & breakfast. Kyle also likes paintballing and has an impressive array of weaponry, including laser tag equipment. He enjoys playing ping-pong and many of his heroes are olympic table tennis players. He is also known to be very good at the sport. His musical tastes vary, but classic rock is his favorite, especially when sung accapella. His personal musical talents are not lacking, as he plays guitar and recorder, and sings, which is quite impressive as Kyle has lost 12% of the hearing in his left ear because of a ninja attack. Kyle’s life goal is to become the pilot for Air Force One and an ambassador to Hawaii.